The day I became a momma to two, was the day my heart became complete. I remember daydreaming of what life would look like with two little miracles at home. My dream had come true and I was on cloud nine.
Those first few weeks were magic.
Jase was adapting well to the addition of his new little sister and I felt a sense of peace this second time around. Our days revolved around feeding, naps, playing and reading books. I was officially a stay at home momma and life was good!
But before long, I started to feel the heaviness of all that was on my plate. Keeping up with my household duties, trying to get my business up and running, remembering to give my hubby love & attention and take care of my kiddos, all while dealing with the toddler tantrums and a baby that wanted to be attached to my hip at all times was no easy task.
I felt drained and unsure of my ability to love on these babies the way I had always dreamed of.
Sleep deprivation quickly took over sending my nerves and emotions into a tailspin. Days would go by where I kept trying to create the happy days that I had dreamed of, but without fail everything would start to unravel. Often I’d find myself curled up with my kiddos crying right along with them.
I felt like a horrible momma, not only because I felt I was failing my babies but also because of all I had gone through to get here. I was supposed to be able to handle this. I was grateful for where I was and loved my babies in a fierce way, but just couldn’t seem to find the happiness in my days. This was just too much.
I felt like I’d never get through this season. The fog was too thick for me to see the horizon ahead.
Then, a shift happened. It wasn’t something I noticed right away, but over time Savi started to sleep through the night and Jase was no longer swinging from one emotion to the next. Our days were starting to feel lighter, more peaceful.
With the addition of better sleep, moments of quiet in the mornings and the ability to focus on myself, no longer did I feel the heaviness of our days. There was less crying and emotions running on high. And in their place, happiness & joy.
Not every day is perfect, but the fog has lifted and for that I am grateful.
I think sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in our day to day. To see the heaviness that life can bring and feel like we’ll never see the lightness in our days again. But if we remember that each step is just a season, preparing us for the next, we can take the season we’re in with a heart of gratitude.
I learned so much in my first year as a momma to two. It was a season of refining and learning that each season has it’s end and some are much easier to handle than others. A season that showed me how to let go and let slower days fill my plate. A season that I now look upon with fondness…messes, threenagers, sleepless nights and all!
If you’re in the thick of your season and the fog is making it hard to see the horizon ahead, hold tight to this: there will be an end and it will get easier. Life is cyclical. The sooner we learned to loosen our grasp, give ourselves grace and love others the best that we can, the sooner we’ll see the beauty in even the hardest of seasons.