Those first few years I thought I had it down. I knew your cries and what they meant. I could tell when you were sleepy or just needed some extra cuddles. You were my sidekick and my dream come true. But then you turned three and my whole world turned upside down.
No longer were we in sync the way we once were.
Your rollercoaster ride of emotions kept me guessing and failing at how to mother you best. It was also a season of learning how to share myself with you and your baby sister, something I’m still learning today. Months went by and the fear in my heart crept in.
I worried that our constant battles would create a barrier between us. I felt pain for the once happy days now turning into days of time outs, discipline & tears. This was not what I wanted for our days. I needed to find a way to be the momma you needed me to be.
I reached my breaking point and what came with it was clarity, peace & understanding.
I thought that what you needed most was structure, but really all you needed was love. Yes, you need me to teach you right from wrong, but you also need a momma who’s gentle. You are one stubborn, strong-willed little boy but what I’ve learned is you can’t fight stubbornness with stubbornness. Just love.
So here we are, months later and so much better. Yes, we still have our days when I’ve had little sleep or you’re just in a mood. But knowing now what I know allows me to let go of the frustration and need for control, and in it’s place I embrace you in my arms and tell you that I love you. No longer will our days be filled with the constant tug & pull.
You are worth this refining of my heart & soul sweet boy.
I will never stop trying and learning how to be the momma you need me to be. Because in the end I know I will be a better for it.