My name is P, and I’m a neat freak. And I don’t mean in the I-love-to-clean sort of way, but in the this-is-getting-out-of-hand sort of way.
I guess you could say it’s a combination of my Type A personality, the fact that I’m home most of the time and my deep rooted desire to have everything “just so”. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve been a tidy person. Only it wasn’t until I became a momma that it’s suddenly become a problem. And one that I denied for a long time.
But Over the course of the last year, I started to see it for what it truly was: a time stealer.
It hit me one day that for every moment I spend wiping down countertops, straightening up, picking up and making things “just so” is a moment lost doing the things that matter most. Like all of those in between moments when you catch a glimpse of the beauty around you. When you’re so present with those you love, that you see and hear all of the joyful things they say and do.
I sort of hit this breaking point a few months back when I knew it was time to let go. To find the balance that comes so naturally for others. To be able to play with my kiddos even when there’s dishes to do, or relax on the couch even when there’s toys surrounding me and the floor. Because at the end of my days, it’s those moments I’ll remember with fondness not the time I spent tidying up.
I remember thinking, how hard can this be? I’ll have way more time to do the stuff that I actually enjoy, I’ve got this!
But the thing is, often we can see that something needs to change but actually making it happen can be quite the challenge.
So I set about each day determined to be the easy going me that I truly long to be. Only the neat freak inevitably shows up causing me to feel like a failure. Then one day this tiny voice inside reminded me of the days going through my infertility journey and how as long as I made even the tiniest bit of progress, then the day was a success. I was no longer the person I used to be and one step closer to the person I long to be.
So I keep pressing forward. I may still have my moments when I get caught up in tidying the house a little too fanatically, but I’ve also got a lot more moments where I’ve let the mess stay awhile so I could tend to the things that fill my heart with joy…
And who knows, maybe one of these days I will be that easy going person I long to be.
Only time will tell. And in the mean time, I’m learning to let go, give myself grace and applaud myself for the progress I’ve made.