Letting the Walls Fall…

I’m not sure what kind of friendships you have. Maybe you’re the type who has her “core friends”, the ones she can open up to and be vulnerable with. Maybe these friendships are effortless, the give and take being equal on either side. Or maybe you’re more like me, craving connection and true friendship…

I’ve had a few people come into my life and make a BIG impact, but unfortunately time and distance has caused most of them to drift away. Leaving only a few intact. Maybe it’s due to being home full time, or perhaps living in a fairly “new to me” city that leaves me wanting more. More connection. More acceptance. More love.

Unfortunately, the walls I’ve built around my heart have kept me from experiencing this type of friendship.

The fear of being hurt yet again by someone I’ve let into the core of my heart, has caused me to put up a barrier. A protection. To keep my heart safe from the pain I know too well. The problem is, unless I’m willing to risk heartbreak, I will never experience true friendship. 

Over the course of this last year I’ve felt a tug on my heart. A whisper from God saying, “let the walls fall.” Ugh. Just thinking about it makes my chest feel tight. But I know it must be done. So I take a baby step. I put myself out there. I plan a playdate. I go to events I where I know almost no one.

I slowly let the walls fall.

It’s been a refining progress to say the least. I slowly start to let my guard down only to put it right back up again. But just as always, I hear the whisper again. So I pick myself up, I let vulnerability lead the way and I take another step forward.

I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’m getting there. I’m becoming more intentional about who God has placed in my life. I’m focused on cultivating those relationships with the understanding that they may only be for a season and that’s ok.

I’m letting the walls fall.

I’m opening up.

I’m becoming vulnerable.

I’m letting people see the real me.

I’m experiencing community & what it means to have true friends.

And for this I am grateful…

If you’re in a season where you’re craving more, I challenge you to take that first step. Send that text. Plan that playdate (or girls day). Open your heart and take a risk. We were meant to experience this life together, not alone. But it starts with you.

XOXO,

~P

Slower days, fuller hearts

One year ago, I was living a life that didn’t allow me to be present. Every minute was accounted for with taking care of my kiddos, my husband & my business. I would move from task to task without actually paying attention to my life and everything in it. This needed to change.

I was completely overwhelmed, not knowing how to get to a place of being present & content. Everything on my plate seemed important, so how was I to decide what needed to give in order for me to live my best life?

It’s been a slow process of refining, but I’m finally in a place where being present is becoming my reality.

I’ve realized that I don’t need to “keep up” with the rest of the world. I can go at my pace. I can build my business in baby steps and in God’s timing.  I can let my house go a little bit if it allows for more time to play with my kiddos. I can make space in my day for resting and doing the things I enjoy.

Life is not meant to be lived checking off our to-do lists in order to feel productive. It’s meant to cultivate beauty in our lives and flourish in our relationships. It’s meant to be spent intentionally and with purpose. God’s purpose.

As soon as I realized that I had the power to change my life, the weight drifted off my shoulders and peace took it’s place.

My days are much slower now. Many of our hours are filled with whatever our hearts desire. So we play outside. We blow bubbles. We play in the water. I read my books. I play my guitar. We listen to music (always gotta have music!). We meet with friends. We live in the present.

Not every day is perfect, this is life with two young children of course! But most of my days are filled with the peace I so desperately desired. My mind is clear and free to take in the beauty that this life brings. I see my children’s faces with so much detail they’ve become etched in my memory. I’m truly soaking in this life. Breathing in the air. Noticing the trees and the flowers in bloom. I’m living MY life.

So how did I get here?

  • I wrote down the things in my life that absolutely need to get done as well as the things that I want to be a part of my daily life.
  • I looked at my calendar and figured out where each of these will fit best allowing for plenty of time in between tasks.
  • I was realistic about what needs to get done and when.
  • I set boundaries for work, cleaning the house, time with friends etc…
  • I physically placed these items on the calendar and set reminders so that I don’t get back to that place of overwhelm.
  • And I gave myself LOTS of GRACE…

Mom life is a beautiful life, but can become chaotic if you let it. Take control of your life, live each moment to it’s fullest and know that it’s ok to go at your pace. You got this momma!

XOXO,

~P

Decorating my body with memories

The other day I was washing dishes, staring out my kitchen window  when my thoughts drifted to my tattoos. I have three of them. None of them planned. All spontaneously done but filled with memories and meaning.

It’s sort of like life isn’t it? So much of what we experience isn’t planned, but brings with it memories & meaning along with the pain.

My first tattoo is a butterfly located on my right hip. I was 18 and up until that point I had always been an obedient child, rarely going against my parents wishes. I guess you could call this my rebellious stage. There was no planning or thought put into it, I simply went into the tattoo parlor, picked out the first thing that caught my eye and went for it.

Growing up I had always been VERY shy, but something happened that summer before entering into college. I no longer wanted to be the shy, self conscious girl anymore. I wanted to come out of my shell, make friends and learn who I was. In hindsight, a butterfly was the perfect representation for that season of my life.

As the years followed, more tattoos came, along with the memories (good & bad) that they would bring.

A flower with my husbands name written in the vines on the top of my left foot, capturing that sweet dream-like season of life. Newlyweds, with hearts wide open to the journey that was upon us. I remember the tattoo artist telling me that this tattoo would never last, the color would fade in such a delicate spot, but I didn’t care. It was exactly what I wanted. And you know what? It still looks as beautiful now, 12 years later, as it did then.

Initials on my lower back honoring the loss of my brother in law, Jason. A time in our lives when we felt broken and unsure of where our lives were headed. Where I had to learn how to live 500 miles away from my husband for 9 months, in a city where I knew few people and had no friends of my own.

And a addition of vines and another butterfly to my first tattoo. Initially, I did this out of pure desire for more. But now see it as a representation of myself in this new city, once again having to learn how to spread my wings and fly.

There was a time when I feared that decorating my body would be a phase and something I’d later regret.

I never put much thought into my tattoos before arriving at the tattoo parlor, so there have been times where I feared that I might regret them. But as I get older and experience life, I love them more and more.

I love that I was bold enough to get my husbands name tattooed on my body, something that I’m sure others would never do. Or that I just went with my gut and did what felt right in the moment. I love that I have a way to carry my brother in law with me always. And a reminder of the beauty that life brings when you spread your wings and fly…

XOXO,

~P

The art of making space for Peace.

Hey Friend,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Honestly, as much as I love to share my heart in this space of mine, I’ve enjoyed the time away. LIfe just gets too busy sometimes, don’t ya think?

So I’ve been learning the art of making space so I can have more peace in my life.

Initially, I didn’t know how to slow down. I’m a people pleasure by nature and hate to let others down. But I had said yes to too many things, and felt I was missing out on the moments in my life that mattered most. But where to start?

First I had to be honest with myself and ask “What areas in my life bring me the most joy/stress?”

Some of the answers I came up with in the joy column where pretty obvious:

The areas that brought stress, not so fun to admit. Especially since it would mean letting others down and giving up things that I actually enjoyed, but knew in my heart they weren’t right for me in this season of life.

And I truly craved slower days where I could be more present in my life…where I could cultivate peace.

Once I gave up those areas of stress, I took a look at my schedule and daily rhythms. In what ways could I simplify the “busyness” of my life and create more space for peace? I’m a neat freak and would straighten up my house and clean all day long, but I realized this was taking away from time I could spend doing the things that actually matter and bring me the most joy.

So I made a list of the things that I wanted to keep up with on a weekly basis, broke them down so was only focused on one thing per day and limited straightening up to just the evenings. Talk about a relief! Instantly I felt my days become slower and more peaceful…goal achieved.

What life looks like now…

It’s amazing what will open up in your life when you create more space. I have more time to be present with my babies and hubby, I can get together for playdates spontaneously, I have time to pour into my calling and more time for myself .

Letting go of the people pleasing, asking yourself “what really matters?” and making space to cultivate peace in your life can allow more room to flourish in your life like never before!

Until next time my friend…

XOXO,

~P

 

Stop & Smell the Roses…

As much as I’d like to say I’m living life being truly present with those I love, that would be a complete lie…

Being present is something I’ve been striving for especially during this season of life, but the days keep getting away from me. My to-do list is long and there’s always something to be done, a kiddo who needs me, a house to keep clean or meals to prepare. But I truly don’t want to look back on my life and feel like I missed the point.

I’m a neat freak and a busy body, so slowing down enough to be present in even the most simplest of things is HARD. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, praying and reevaluating of my life over the last few months to try to change this. I am far from perfect or even close to where I want to be, but I’m making progress…

This week was a big step in the right direction.

My hubby was gone for 3 days and initially I was feeling all sorts of anxiety, stress & exhaustion just thinking about those 3 days. But to my surprise I found a lot of peace during my “single mom” days. And this time even came with a BIG change in the napping department…on the first day of my hubby being gone, Savi dropped her morning nap and Jase dropped his naps all together.

At first I wanted to cry, but I quickly realized that with some switching up of my routine, it wouldn’t be so bad. An to be honest, I’m actually sort if loving it! It’s given me the ability to have more down time with my kiddos, to be more present and to stop and smell the roses.

This year has already brought so much change, and yet I feel there is still so much more to come.

I feel the shift happening, telling me to let go. And although I want to fight every bit of this and stay in my ways, my world around me is changing and I know deep down I need to change with it. I need to be more free, more relaxed and more willing to slow down.

My to-do list can wait and things will get done in time, but my babies are growing at a rapid pace and I’ll miss the beauty if I don’t focus on what matters most. So today and every day I will keep reminding myself of this: to Stop & Smell the Roses.

XOXO,

~P

Behind the Name

“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.” -Ben Sweetland

When I was first deciding on a name for my blog, I wanted it to capture the essence of my life both past & present. And I kept coming back to the word happiness. For so long, I didn’t feel much happiness in my life, but I desperately wanted to.

When I think back to that time in my life,  I felt the only way to get there was to finally become a momma. But one thing I’ve learned is that it isn’t just that one thing you crave that will bring you happiness. It’s a daily choice.

Because even though I’m living my dream now, it doesn’t mean every day is happy.

I didn’t know this then, but being a momma is not an easy job. It’s very demanding, exhausting and stressful. Worth it, yes. But not always happy.

I don’t want to look back on this season of my life and feel like I let the hard stuff get in the way of my happiness though. So I’m choosing to find pure happiness in each of my days. What do I mean by pure?

To me, pure happiness comes from within. From your heart. Because finding that kind of happiness can only come from God. Only He has the ability to provide a different lense through which we see our lives. To look for those moments, where you feel that warmth in your heart even when the days are hard.

My hope is to share how I’m finding pure happiness in each of my days, so that you too can find it in yours…

Because after all it’s the community, connection & being real that bonds us and inspires us. Sharing the hard stuff, the messy stuff and the beautiful stuff makes us feel less alone. It gives us the ability to learn from one another and live the lives we were meant to live.

Happiness is a choice that we must make daily. I’m not great at it, and there are many days I completely fail. I let the sleepless nights, teething babies & tantrums cloud my ability to see the happiness that is always there. But I will continue to search for it, trust it’s there and lean on God when I can’t seem to get there.

The beauty of this life is it’s never too late. Each day brings a chance to make new choices and to live life Finding YOUR Pure Happiness…

XOXO,

~P

 

Finding Your Identity among Dirty Diapers, Dishes & Paw Patrol

Before I became a momma, I had dreams of what life would be like…

I envisioned slow days where I would play with my happy kids, clean up around the house while they napped (at the same time) and have dinner on the table by the time my hubby walked through the door. I knew in my heart that being a momma was absolutely my calling, but what I didn’t realize is that I would have other callings/passions as well.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kiddos and feel truly blessed to be able to stay home with them. I know how lucky I am to not have to send them to daycare every day. But being a stay at home momma isn’t always easy and my days are definitely not all sunshine and rainbows.

My days are usually filled with lots of crying/whining and racing around the house trying to get stuff done while the kids nap only to finally get a break the second one of them wakes. There’s messes and spills at every turn and a toddler that thinks throwing things in the toilet or playing in the cat food is a good time. There’s a very strong-willed 3 year old that I’m constantly having to battle with in even the smallest of things.

About a year and a half ago I felt this urge to find a way to express who I am outside of being a mom.

I used to feel like others would think I was ungrateful for wanting more. After everything I’d been through to become a momma, why did I feel the need to add to my life? But what I’ve come to learn is that it’s ok to explore and express another side to who you are. And that’s where this little space of mine came into play.

I had written my first blog the prior year and found this passion for writing that I didn’t know I had. At first blogging started out as an outlet for me to connect with other blogger moms as well as share my passions about healthy living and motherhood. However, it quickly became a place for growth and finding my true identity.

For so long I was the girl that struggled with Infertility. That was my identity. It became who I was and what I talked about. And when I finally became a momma, I wanted to leave that identity behind. I wanted to embrace this new identity that I had always hoped for and run with it. But before I knew it, my journey with infertility began to show up in places I least expected.

Over the last year there has been a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between the two.

I’m still in a place of exploration, but I feel closer to being the person God intended me to be. I’m learning to embrace this season I’m in (dirty diapers and all) while still finding time to express the passion I have in my heart to mentor others going through infertility as well as build a mom tribe with some of the most lovely women.

My hope is that this year brings with it a sense of peace in my new identity. Knowing that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing…I can be a momma and a passionate person that loves to write and connect with others.

Because when your children are grown and living their own lives outside of your home, there needs to be a soul that is fulfilled. And true fulfillment can only come from becoming who you were meant to be…for myself that’s a loving wife, a caring mother, a friend to those struggling with infertility and writer sharing my heart & struggles through motherhood.

My sweet momma friend, my hope is that you are living your passion too. That your soul feels fulfilled even when the days are hard…

XOXO,

~P