At the beginning of this year I vowed that this year would be a year of rest. I was in desperate need of less distraction and more time to be present. But what I didn’t realize is that with this change I’d experience so much emotion bubbling to the surface. Emotions that I pushed deep down as I moved through the busyness of life, never allowing myself to feel.
And now that I’m more present & still, I can feel the emotions so deeply.
I’m grateful for this life I’ve been given and often still can’t believe I’m living my dream of becoming a momma. But, if I’m honest, I have to admit that I had no idea it would be as challenging as it has been over the last year.
I had no idea that because I’m an introvert, the constant noise and demands of my children would leave me feeling so depleted at the end of the day. I didn’t realize how easy it would be to “lose myself” in the busyness of taking care of my kiddos. I didn’t know that I would yearn for more meaning and connection.
I found myself in this place of deep shame for my feelings…I wanted this from the deepest part of my soul, so shouldn’t I feel nothing but joy?
Then something happened. I finally gave into my feelings. I shared them with my husband and with God. I realized that it’s ok to feel this way. It doesn’t make me a bad mom. It makes me real and vulnerable. Something I hope to teach my children to be.
And now that I’ve released those feelings and allowed myself to feel them. I’ve found understanding and a new perspective. I’ve found joy.
I’m still a work in progress and probably always will be, but I’m seeing my life in a new light.
I’m learning that I need to take breaks from the noise, because when I do it reminds me how grateful I am for those tiny voices calling me “mommy” one hundred times a day.
I’m making more time for the things that bring me life and remind me of who I am outside of being a momma.
And I’m making relationships more of a priority in my life, so the loneliness I’ve felt over this past year doesn’t keep me from truly enjoying the beauty that’s right in front of me.
Yes, it’s ok to feel your emotions, even when it hurts. But, we must also realize it’s up to us to make the choice to change. To do the things we know will allow us to live in joy, peace & gratefulness the rest of ours days…